Advice From A (Not) Archenemy
by hiddenheart519
Summary: Roman Torchwick, a simple Master Criminal trying to complete his dastardly plans with the White Fang in tow, catches sight of his dreaded archenemy through the window of a Dust shop. Ruby Rose, moping over a weapons magazine. It was an opportunity he couldn't pass up. "Come on, Red, I double as a therapist!" A?N: I don't ship White Rose or RoseWick. It's just a joke.


Ruby Rose was not in the mood.

All she wanted to do was to sit there, drool over the weapons in the magazine she was reading, and sulk.

However, her himself-proclaimed "archenemy" had other plans to her.

Roman Torchwick burst through the door of the shop, letting out a dramatic evil laugh. "MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Ruby sighed. _Figures._ "You've already robbed this place, Torchwick," she said dryly.

There was a pause, during which Roman was silently questioning his motives. _I did?_ "Well, I'm robbing it again!" _And it's_ _ **totally**_ _not because I saw my archenemy through the window._

Ruby slouched and said without looking at him, "He still hasn't restocked."

Roman's gaze narrowed and his eyes flashed to the cowering shopkeeper. He made a sound of disgust and looked back at Ruby, practically prancing forward. "Isn't it past your bedtime, Red?"

"You've already used that one, Torchwick."

"I-Wha-?" Roman stopped in his tracks. "I... I have?"

Ruby nodded slowly. "Mm hm..."

Roman ducked his head. "Son of a Grimm..." he cursed. " I _really_ need to come up with more of those." He snapped his fingers. "Perry!"

A faunus with glasses over his mask snapped to attention behind the ginger criminal. "Yessir!"

"That's your job."

"W-what is?"

"Snappy comebacks, mutt, _snappy comebacks_!"

The faunus grinned. "You got it, Firework."

Roman gritted his teeth. "For the _kids_ , dog breath!"

"Y-yessir." Perry stepped back.

Roman drew his cane and aimed it at Ruby's back, the sight on the end popping open.

Ruby turned the page in her magazine.

Roman pursed his lips in irritation. He cleared his throat pointedly.

Ruby didn't move.

"Hey, Red, isn't this the part where you pull out that gardening-tool-on-steroids and start doing gymnastics, or acrobatics, or karate, or whatever the Dust it is you do?"

Ruby sighed and made the shape of a gun with her fingers, pointed it over her shoulder at Roman, and gave a half-hearted, " _Pew pew_ …"

Roman looked at her, exasperated. He had been expecting at least some resistance.

"What's wrong, kiddo?" he asked, sitting down at the counter next to her.

"Uh, sir?" a female faunus asked curiously.

Roman waved them away, eyes never leaving Ruby as she turned another page in the magazine. "Go chase some cars or something. I can handle this."

The faunus of the White Fang glanced hesitantly at each other.

"Go on!" Roman snapped. "Mush!"

Perry shrugged and led the way out of the shop. One by one, the dumbfounded faunus followed him.

"Nothing's wrong," Ruby grumbled. "Everything's fine. And why would you care?"

"As your archenemy-"

"You're not my archenemy."

"-it is my job and sworn duty to make sure you are capable of fighting back to the best of your abilities. The she-devil would much rather kill you like this, but it's no fun if you don't put up a fight!" Roman complained.

There was a pause and Ruby looked at him, silver eyes narrowed. "You are a very twisted person," she told him simply.

Roman winked, grinning. "Did the title _Master Criminal_ escape your attention?"

Ruby roll led her eyes and turned back to the weapons magazine.

Roman sighed. "Seriously, though, Red, what's eating you? You catch the fleas off those half-breeds?" he asked, jerking his thumb towards the door where the faunus had exited. He scratched his shoulder jokingly. "I _still_ can't get rid of them."

Ruby rolled her eyes and turned another page.

"It was a _joke_ , Red."

She didn't answer.

"You know what a joke is, don't you? Something _funny_ you're supposed to _laugh at_?"

"Ha ha."

Roman gave her an exasperated look. "Okay, kid, what's the matter?"

Ruby sighed irritably. "Everything!"

Roman leaned away as her hands flew into the air. _Prepare for venting in three...two...one._

"Weiss is mad at me because I messed up in a field trial _again_ and isn't talking to me!"

"Who cares what the Ice Queen thinks? You're the leader of your team, not her. And I've seen you on the battlefield, Red. You're a natural!" Roman insisted.

-Ruby smiled softly at the praise.

"You know," Roman continued hintingly, "you'd make a pretty good thief..."

"No," Ruby said flatly.

Roman shrugged. "Worth a shot. A lot of criminals would _kill_ for your semblance."

"A lot of criminals would kill for a lot of things," Ruby countered.

"True," Roman admitted.

Ruby sighed dejectedly. "And Yang's busy with _boys_ ," she said in a disgusted voice, "and we haven't hung out in _forever_ ," she groaned.

"She's still your sister, kid. No _boy_ ," he said, slightly teasing, in the same disgusted voice Ruby had used on the word, "is ever going to change that. Give her time, Red. She'll come around."

"Blake's stressed still and when she's not being Blake-y and snapping at everyone, she's in the library with her nose in a book or staying up late writing in some journal or off with Sun!"

"Glad to know I'm doing something right," Roman muttered.

Ruby glared crossly at him.

His hands flew up in defense. "Hey, in case you haven't noticed, I'm the _bad guy_! Stressing out my archenemy's associates-"

"I'm not your archenemy."

"-is _kind of_ my job!" Roman lowered his hands and continued in a sympathetic voice. "She's got a lot going on. She's had this huge secret she's been fighting to keep, and she's not used to people knowing it yet. She's afraid of judgment for her past. She doesn't understand why faunus would work for humans. She wants equality, and the White Fang is making that almost impossible. She's torn between the past and the present and part of her wants to leave it all behind her, and she does so by reading or hanging out with banana breath."

Ruby smiled. This was _actually_ helping. "And... well..." she started, unsure of whether she should ask about this last thing. " N-nevermind."

"Ah ah ah!" Roman protested quickly. "Now you _have_ to tell me."

Ruby smiled at his persistence, thinking how much he sounded like a student she was friends with, Nora Valkyrie. "No," she said firmly. "You don't get to know."

"Come on, Red, I double as a therapist!" Roman insisted, presenting a business card from within his jacket. He held it out to Ruby, and she took it. Along the top it said **Roman Torchwick**. Below it were four lines off crossed out text, reading **Master Criminal, Their, Liar, and Cheater**. Just below those, written sideways in all caps was the word _**THERAPIST**_.

Ruby rolled her eyes, smiling slightly. "Nothing," she repeated, handing the card back. "It doesn't matter."

"Does too," Roman insisted.

"Nope," Ruby replied, popping the "p".

Roman narrowed his eyes. "Is it another someone?"

"Well... yeah," the girl in the red hood admitted.

"A guy?" the criminal jeered.

" _Psh, what_?" Ruby waved Roman's words away, obviously lying. " _Noooo_."

Roman got a slightly amused look on his face. "Well, that's a bit unexpected."

Ruby looked up. "It is?"

"So we really are on the same team, kid." He raised his hands reassuringly and told her, "I won't judge."

"What are you talking about?"

"Is it the Ice Queen?" he asked thoughtfully. Roman nodded as he added, "I can see it. Congrats, Red."

Ruby's eyes widened in shock. "Ew no! I mean, not that that's bad or anything, but ew!"

Roman laughed as Ruby continued hurriedly.

"And _Weiss_? That's... no. Just no."

"Then who is it?" Roman persisted. Then, warily, he asked, "It's not Boy Blunder is it?"

"Jaune?" Ruby asked curiously. "No, of course not." A goofy grin spread across her face. "He and Pyrrha have the most adorable thing ever!" she announced in a giddy voice.

"Then what's his name?" demanded Roman in an amused tone.

Ruby, suddenly serious, pointed at Roman, eyes narrowed. "You don't get to know, because then he'd be a target while you try to get at me."

"I'm not that underhanded!" Roman protested.

Ruby shot him a dry, disbelieving glare.

"Okay, okay, maybe I would."

Her glare didn't waver.

"Yeah, that does sound like something I'd do," he admitted. "But that's beside the point! Why are you upset?"

"He doesn't talk to me anymore!" Ruby complained. "I saw him a couple weeks ago and he walked up to me, smiled, said, like, one sentence, and walked away! _**Hey, Ruby, long time no see**_!" she said, mocking a boy's deep voice.

"Have you tried talking to him?" Roman asked calmly.

"I-no. No I have not," she said thoughtfully. Her face lit up. "Thank you thank you _thank you_ Roman!" She cried, springing up and flinging her arms around the stunned criminal.

She snatched up the magazine from the counter and said so quickly it came out as one sentence, "Roman, you'll pay for this right? Thank you!" Ruby shot out the door before he could process her words, a trail of rose petals in her wake.

"Son of a Grimm," he cursed, but the humor in his voice outweighed the anger.

The shopkeeper cleared his throat pointedly.

Roman slid a few lien across the counter and rolled his eyes, twirling his cane as he left the shop.

"Roman," a silky voice purred behind him.

Roman cursed. That voice screamed DANGER, all caps and everything.

"Heh heh..." He turned to face the speaker and her company.

Cinder Fall, one hand on her hip, gazed disapprovingly at Roman. Next to her was Roman's very short partner in crime, Neopolitan, her arms crossed angrily.

Neo signed a few symbols with her hands, glaring the whole time.

"It didn't mean anything, Neo!" Roman protested.

The mute signed more.

"I was gaining intel!"

Neo rolled her mismatched eyes.

"Come on, girls, I learned Red's got a soft spot for a guy," he said, hoping that information would get him out of a little bit of trouble.

"Oh?" Cinder asked. "And what would his name be?"

"Uh..." Roma glanced away.

Cinder made a disappointed noise. Roman readied himself for the blow before it came. Cinder's hand cracked across his face. He flinched and hissed, more irritated than in pain.

Neo squeaked angrily, signing furiously at Cinder, who ignored her. Cinder, incorrectly assuming Neo was angry with Roman not herself, told the red-haired criminal, "I'll let the _pipsqueak_ deal with you," before turning and walking away, glass heels clicking on the stone floor of the abandoned warehouse.

"I am _not_ a pipsqueak," Neo signed to Roman, glowering.

"I know," he replied reassuringly.

Neo glared up at him. "You had better not be replacing me," she told him.

Roman laughed, placing his hand on her back and leading her out of the warehouse. "Of course not, Neo. How about we go get some ice cream?"

Neo brightened. The two walked a few steps before Neo paused, glared, and stomped down hard on Roman's foot.

Roman cried out. " _Ow_! What was that for?" he demanded.

Neo smiled innocently and signed, "I had better get a double scoop."


End file.
